Not Mary Dixon's office, no, not at all.

You know when we say we just want a nice card? That’s true, dear, but don’t you think you might do a little better? How about some cooperation? Some peace and quiet? A few extra minutes to read something longer than an InStyle article? Read on for what Mom really wants. Or not. Honey, it’s up to you …

So this Sunday. Your mother, or the mother of your children, does not want to prepare a meal for 20 people including her mother-in-law, no matter how beloved. 9 out of 10 of us would much prefer that you do the dirty work, even if that means picking up the phone and ordering. That’s #1.

#2. Flowers/Spa/Candy/Cocktails. They’re all good. And who ever said we’re tired of jewelry? Jewelry’s pretty nice. Bling it on.

#3 Homemade gifts are fantastic. Just ask Claire Dunphy.

#4 Something to read. And time to read it. And if it’s going to be mom-themed, how about something we can use?

No. Not the Tiger Mother, though I did enjoy Elizabeth Kolbert’s piece about it in The New Yorker, which points out that there’s no one way to do it: “Parenting is hard … The experience is scary and exhilarating and often humiliating, not because you’re disappointed in your kids, necessarily, but because you’re disappointed in yourself.”

And in that vein, how about something for the mom who doesn’t have three hours to stand over her children while they practice piano because she, you know, has a life? Or has struggled with the demands of her various jobs? That would be Allison Pearson’s novel, “I Don’t Know How She Does It.”

I really don’t know how Tina Fey does it, but I enjoy the results. At the top of this year’s Mother’s Day reading list: “Bossypants,” especially since she includes the prayer for the mother to her daughter: “When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half, and stick with beer.”

Amen.

Did I mention jewelry is nice?